let me begin with breastfeeding does not come easily to my body.

when i was pregnant with cedar i quickly realized there is a stigma around pregnancy, birth & breastfeeding. there is this big push for everything to be "natural" or "organic", there is this unwritten way that women are supposed to go about everything & if they stray from it, there are a lot of looks & a lot of judgment. the two biggest things i see this happening with are labor & feeding & i have experienced it firsthand.

the thought never crossed my mind that i might not be capable of breastfeeding. while preparing to have a him, i assumed i would breastfeed. i knew that i would need to either pump or ween him once he was four months & i went back to school full-time, but i was going to breastfeed him full-time until then. i never realized how difficult it was to breastfeed or the many struggles mothers face that come with breastfeeding, especially if you aren't able to produce enough milk. we had a rough go from the start. cedar was never able to latch on properly on either side causing me to go through many hours of pain & tears trying to feed him, just to top off each feeding with a bottle of formula because he would be screaming of hunger. it wasn't until a check up right before his one month mark when i was told he wasn't gaining a lot of weight that i realized i truly was not producing enough for him & needed to switch him solely to formula. until that point, i had wondered if i were doing something wrong when trying to feed him, but the doctor informed me that i was not producing enough. it may not sound like a long time, but that month felt so long for me especially being a new, sleep deprived mother who blamed herself for her crying baby & not being able to produce more milk. by the time cedar was a month old i could hardly make 1 ounce of milk.

the decision to switch him to formula came easily for me, i wanted what would benefit cedar most & that was to be on formula 100% so that he would be able to grow, & i saw a difference immediately. luckily i never experienced any "mommy guilt" from not breastfeeding cedar, actually any guilt i had experienced ended once i stopped breastfeeding because of the immediate difference i saw in cedar. as soon as cedar was on formula full-time he was a much happier baby, gone were the hours of frustrated crying from the both of us & in replace were a happy baby & happy mom. it was the best decision for both of us but, that didn't mean i wasn't criticized for the decision. i can't even count the conversations i have had with friends & even strangers where they told me i was doing my child an injustice, or where i have been told that cedar must get sick because i didn't breastfeed him, whatever the argument is, i've most likely heard it. to be honest it was disappointing to hear these things & sometimes it would leave me to wonder if i was ruining my kid or if i should have tried harder to breastfeed, but at the end of the day i still knew i made the best decision & i made the choice based on us, not on others opinions. 

since i didn't have a great one-month experience breastfeeding cedar, i wondered why so many women loved to breastfeed, but i finally understood after milo was born. after i found out i was pregnant with milo, austin & i talked a lot about whether i would try to breastfeed or not & ultimately i decided i would breastfeed as long as my body allowed. once milo was born things were totally different than with cedar. he was born hungry, smacking his lips, ready to be fed & he had no problem latching on. it went so smoothly & i was incredibly happy & grateful for it. i found that i enjoyed being able to feed him, to provide him with what he needed. 

two weeks in milo still wasn't over his jaundice & the pediatrician recommended supplementing with formula after feedings to help wash it out of his system & because his levels had been high, we decided to do it. after we started supplementing milo started needing more at his feedings & giving him an ounce or two bottle became the norm. i also began to feel that my body was not producing more milk as i hoped it would, instead it was slowly producing less milk. little milo has been growing like a weed & my body once again is not producing enough milk. this time around has been more difficult for me to accept my lack of milk-making because it did start out so well that i just thought it was going to be easy this time. when i look back to the first few weeks with cedar as a newborn i really was naive about breastfeeding. i hadn't taken any birthing or parenting classes during my pregnancy, i sort of assumed it would come naturally & while much of it did, breastfeeding did not. i was naive in the fact that i didn't realize there were so many resources to help me in my breastfeeding endeavor, so this time around i have tried put a lot of time & effort into what i can do to help my body make more milk. i have tried a breastfeeding support group to learn more about what i can do to help my milk, i drink mothers milk tea, take a pill version of the tea to help my milk flow, drink more water than i ever have in my life, tried oatmeal in the morning, pumping in-between feeds.. i have tried just about everything.

what it really comes down to is that my body is not a great milk producer & if there is something i can do about it, i don't know what it is. i have loved the time i've had feeding milo & because i have truly loved it, it's been difficult for me to decide what to do, to know what would be best for him, me & our family as a whole. i go back & forth almost everyday trying to figure out which is best & honestly, i don't think one way or another is better, there are pros & cons to switching completely to formula just as there are pros & cons to continuing to breastfeed & then formula feed. sometimes i feel guilty at the thought of not breastfeeding him because of comments i hear & it can be hard to remember that the outsiders opinion is not what is important in this situation, but milo's health & happiness is.

i guess what i am getting at is that there is a lot of judging going on amongst women when someone chooses to have an epidural or when they choose not to, & there is equally a lot of judging when someone formula feeds their baby instead of breastfeeds. i'm here to say that we need to worry less about the people that are judging us, worry less about how someone else feeds their baby or births their baby. we need to build each other up rather than judge, no one should be beating themselves up if they can't have a natural birth for some reason, or if they can't breastfeed their baby. it doesn't make you a failure as a woman or a mama. 

you are doing your best & that is what matters. 



i love to video little snip-its of our life all the time &  i had so many from the first few weeks of milo's life that i wanted to combine them into a little video. it's not great quality, all of it was shot on my iPhone & a lot of it on the front camera which i always think has a lower quality, but i love it anyways because it shows our life with little, tiny milo. who at only 8 weeks old is no longer tiny. i can't believe how huge he has gotten in such a short amount of time, you can even tell in the video that he's grown! so enjoy our little home video!



two weeks after milo was born our wondrful friends nick & shayla drove to california from utah to visit, see the babe & take his newborn photos for us. shayla took my maternity pictures & i loved them so much so i knew i wanted her to take milo's photos too & i am so happy it worked out. it's so much easier taking pictures with your friends behind the lens, i feel so much more comfortable & it is pretty fun. thank you guys so much for coming to visit & taking milo's pictures, they are perfect! make sure to check out shay la's photography on her site, www.shaylalilian.com.



it's been far too long since i made a playlist. 



Milos first time at Disneyland from kerry mullin on Vimeo.

 on tuesday we made the trek down to disneyland for the first time since milo was born. some friends of ours that i grew up with are in town visiting & wanted to take their little girl so we thought we would join in on the fun. obviously milo could care less, but i was loving that he was there even though he slept through pretty much the entire day, haha. cedar on the other hand absolutely loved it- like always. he especially was loving up on our friends little girl, payton. they are almost a full year apart & were so cute together, i couldn't get enough of it. cedar was constantly hugging her & wanting to hold her hand. the cutest moment was right when the parade started, i looked at cedar to see his reaction & i saw him reach over to payton & grab her hand to hold for the parade & it was the most adorable thing.