1/24/15

YOU ARE BRAVE


the last little while i have been feeling off. just not 100% motivated. not motivated to clean, to cook, to venture out of the apartment into the cold, not motivated to draw, to blog. i've written, re-written, edited, & have left this post sitting in my drafts for a few days now. being open about my feelings is a really difficult thing for me, but i'm digging deep & i'm trying. i've felt nervous about being open with these feelings to those around me & to write it down, but doing so has made me feel lighter, like i'm not hiding anything which is not something i want to be doing i try to keep my blog as real as i can & i feel like it's important to share the downs along with the ups. everyone has their moments when life is a little harder & i need to remind myself of that & remind myself that it is not a weakness to show vulnerability. 

lately i've have a few mood swings (it's a monthly thing if you know what i mean), i'm not depressed, i just seem to get a little sad & can't help but focus on it. i'm lucky that it doesn't last very long, but sometimes it feels like it lasts forever & that's how i've felt the last few days. most of the days i am so pumped! so happy! & then my mood just switches completely to feeling down on myself. since moving to a new country i've noticed myself slowly becoming less confident because i'm not able to fully communicate with the people here. i know that learning a new language takes a lot of effort & time, but it has had a serious effect on me, especially when i'm feeling down on myself for other reasons. lately i've been constantly critiquing myself on the things that i do & the things that i don't do. i wonder if i'm being a good enough mom & a good enough wife, if i do enough for both austin & cedar... those sort of things. i've created a tiny monster that is stopping me from being the happy, carefree person that i normally am, it stops me from blogging, writing in my journal, creating.

i've hated the way i have been feeling, it's not a normal disposition for me. i'm not the girl to question myself on whether or not i'm good enough or that i dress good enough or have a good enough blog. i'm not the kind of person to worry about whether or not i need to be doing something because it seems like everybody else is. i'm the kind of girl that is pretty much happy just doing my thing & happy that other people are doing their thing. i don't normally crave acceptance from others, or approval, but this little monster inside of me has made me question myself & that's not something i'm ok with.

i'm trying to pull myself out of this funk, i am lucky to know that it is mostly hormonal, but i want to be able to deal with it on my own for the future, instead of just waiting for it to pass. i actively try to blow off any negative thoughts that i may have because those aren't going to make me happy & i have so much to be happy for & so much going on in my life. everyday i have been reminding myself of all the great things that are in life & it really has helped me. austin has been extremely helpful & understanding of how i've been feeling, constantly asking how i am doing & what we can do to try &help me get out of this phase. austin & i have come up with more of a detailed plan to help me learn spanish so that i can feel comfortable when i try to talk to people & i can be confident in that department, i've been pushing myself to get out of the door & to go to different activities. i have different errands that i spread throughout the week to keep my busy, i have actively tried to open myself up more to the people around me & it's hard! i have felt exhausted at the end of the day from putting myself out there, but it's paid off, i have met new people & i've made some more friends, which is huge! i'm pushing myself to go out of my comfort zone, pushing myself to keep creating & drawing because i know that it's the best way to gain inspiration. i have been trying to be more active, going on daily walks with cedar around the park & our neighborhood. i've cleaned my home everyday knowing that a clean environment helps me to feel more at ease. i've been trying to take some time in every day just for me, to focus on myself, even if it's just for 5 or 10 minutes, to check in with myself. 

when i saw the quote above on pinterest it sort of struck me, i had been feeling like i am a complete mess, & when i read that i automatically agreed with it. i may be a mess, but i am being brave, i just have to remind myself every once in a while. it's brave to accept how i am feeling, for talking about it, for trying to push through it. it's brave to go out on a limb & to push out of your comfort zone.

what do you do when you have moments in your life like this? what helps to snap you out of a funk? how do you go out of your comfort zone? 

1/21/15

THAT TIME IT ALMOST SNOWED IN MADRID

since moving i've (surprisingly) really missed the snow. supposedly it can & does (very rarely) snow in madrid, but it's mostly just incredibly cold. so when i heard it was supposed to snow on sunday i was so excited, i definitely got my hopes up looking forward to white fluffy snowflakes, which never happened, but there were a few tine flakes floating around. i had really hoped that by the time we got out of church there would be snow on the ground, but that was not the case at all. there were just a few little flakes floating around that would melt way before they got anywhere near the ground, but i still insisted we go for a walk in what little snowfall there was. 

sadly it did start actually snowing & it even stuck on cars & benches, but it wasn't until cedar was already asleep for the night so we didn't get a chance to go outside in the snow. buuut austin did scoop up a little snowball from the snow that landed outside our window, haha.

coat: zara
leggings: lulu lemon
boots: chinese laundry (they'er on sale!)
mittens: h&m (sale!)
beanie: anthropologie

p.s. if you have ever considered getting over the knee boots, definitely get them they keep your legs SO warm, it's amazing :)

1/18/15

CONFESSIONS

last week i was asked to participate in bona fides confessions campaign & i'm so grateful they thought to ask me. they're a company that i am so pumped about. have you guys heard of them? bona fide was created by two cool girls & it's all about being real! & come on, we all get stuck in the social media bubble of trying to look perfect// have a picture perfect life// being perfect, but what's the fun in that? no one is perfect, we've all got our little flaws & our differences & that's what makes us us. bona fide is trying to bring real life back to social media & so let's all be a little more real. 

as soon as i was asked to join in the confessions movement, i immediately started to think about what i should write for mine. at first i seriously was drawing a blank, & then allllllll sorts of things came flooding in my mind. i finally settled on one to post, but of course i have more than one, so lets talk.
CONFESSION #1// i am the ultimate procrastinator: it's true, i really am. i was given three days notice to post my picture for this campaign & i didn't do it until the last day. the worst part is that i thought about doing it every day leading up... & i just didn't. #1 procrastinator right here. there literally are days that i plan to clean & i just keep putting it off. "i'll clean after breakfast," i think, "i'll clean during cedars nap," i tell myself, "i'll clean before austin comes home," i promise myself. & then it doesn't happen until i'm exhausted & just want to go to bed. what is wrong with me?! why can't i stop this?!

CONFESSION #2// i am incredibly self conscious: it's not something people notice when meeting me, & a lot of times isn't something people know unless they know me really well, but i am incredibly self conscious. the thought of going to an event where i won't know anyone, or won't have a close friend to stick with, terrifies me.i get slight anxiety when i have to do anything that draws attention to me in front of a crowd of people, like public speaking. i also turn bright, bright red & get SO flustered, in school i would always have to wear high necked shirts if i knew i would have to talk to my class because i get so splotchy red. oh, i also would turn bright red even if i raised my hand, on my own free will, to say something in class. so embarrassing. 

CONFESSION #3// i used to be a little ocd.. about eggo waffles: for as long as i can remember, i had 2 eggo waffles for breakfast up until i was about 22. that could be a confession in itself. but it gets better. i was pretty crazy about my eggos. see, eggos come in packs of 6 & 1 eggo wasn't enough, but 3 were too many, so i always had 2 & i would get pretty upset if anyone ever ate just 1 eggo. it was complete craziness on my part & so weird of me, but you know what, i stand by my 2 eggo's at a time method. 

CONFESSION #4// i can't stop cracking my knuckles: i've done it for years, i don't know how i got the gross habit, buuuut i really can't stop. i try & try again. and its disgusting.

CONFESSION #5// some days when cedar wakes up i am just not ready for the day to start. so instead of jumping up, playing with him right away & getting ready for the day, i turn a movie on, give him a bottle & lay on the couch in a sort of half sleep, while he plays & watches his show. 8:30 just comes so early sometimes! 

so, what are your confessions?

1/14/15

NEW YEAR, NEW GOALS

i've been thinking up new goals i want to work towards. you know with it being the new year & all, it's been on my mind a lot. i'm not a big resolutions person, but i am into goals. & i'm into realistic goals. i wanted to come up with goals that would improve my life & me as a person, something that would (hopefully) make me a better person & things i can continue in the long run. so everynight for the past week or so i've been doodling up a list of these goals in my journal. i do this every new year so that i have my lists & what-nots to look back on, & this year i decided to share my goals.
learn spanish// this is an obvious one & a very necessary goal. i live in spain, i need to speak spanish. it's been a rough & annoying couple of months not being able to speak very well to anyone, but i have noticed i understand more already. but i actually need to learn it. 

eat healthy// i want to be healthy & feel healthy. a huge part of that is what you eat. i've been cooking way more since moving, but it's been a little hard coming up with good healthy meals because the stores & food here are a bit different.. it's hard to explain. but i'm going to make a better attempt! & i should probably cut out my gigantic carb intake that i've picked up since being in spain. i swear bread is their #1 meal.

live in the moment// i find that i get stressed a lot thinking about things that really are not in my control & i need to stop that. so, don't stress about things in the past, the things i cannot change. don't worry too much about the future, what will come will come & i'll figure it out then. 

stop comparing// i used to compare myself a lot to other people from social media or blogs, & i have gotten a lot better about it. but i still think it's something i need to remind myself. i don't need to be doing what someone else is doing, or have what they have. 

be present// be 100% there. i don't want to be the person always behind a computer screen or a phone screen when with my loved ones. i want to be there, with them. interacting with them, giving them my full attention! it's something i practice really hard with cedar & something i know i need to continue doing.

less time on the computer// that goes with that goal up above ^^. i love the computer, i love looking at websties & learning different things online, i love blogging, but everything in moderation, right? i've gotten it down to a pretty specific time frame that i use my computer during & i really like it. so really, i'm just trying to keep that up.

get a new hobby// there are so many things that i think would be so interesting to learn, so i've decided i'm going to pick one to focus on & learn that hobby/skill. i don't know what it will be as of yet. sewing? calligraphy? to paint better? who knows, my list is looong. but i'm going to pick one, i swear!

read more// this is a life long goal. i love to read, therefore i should read more. it's easy as that. 

be true to myself// this goes along to the stop comparing goal. i want to be authentic to myself, to my likes & dislikes, my interests, my thoughts & my body. i don't want to compare myself & i don't want to think i need to be doing something because everyone else is. i want to be true to me, make me happy.

live simply// when we moved we left a lot of material things behind. all home goods, furniture, decorations, books, toys, clothes, shoes..we left a lot of it behind. we came with 6 suitcases which still sounds like a lot to me, but i think it has taught me to live a simpler life & i'm really enjoying it. i want to try to keep that mentality throughout the year.

be happy// cause everyone should try to be a little happier. 

do you have any goals or resolutions you're working towards this year? 


1/11/15

MOROCCO PT. 3 // A CAMEL RIDE

you're probably all a little tired of my morocco posts, but they're almost finished, i promise. & if you are reading these, thanks for staying along! i can't say enough how much i loved morocco & i've wanted to share all details of the trip, so it's obviously taken a while. anyways!

 our last day in morocco we went to one of the coolest places called la pause where we had a traditional style moroccan lunch that was absolutely delicious & followed up by a camel ride. riding a camel is a lot of anticipation, it's really exciting in the beginning the whole getting on & the camel shakily standing up, but the excitement ends around there. for anyone that's ridden a camel, you'll know what i mean. but it was exciting to watch  cedar on the camel with austin. at first he freaked out, then he was totally pumped to be on an animal, & then he fell asleep... lulled to sleep by the slow & steady rock of the camel. haha, it was also entertaining because my camel kept biting my mom. 

. la pause is a hotel made up of cabana styled rooms & the coolest most glamours tent set ups that were made out of berber rugs, where we had lunch & used as our base camp while at la pause. what i thought is really cool about la pause is that it's completely remote with nothing near it, & with no electricity anywhere besides the kitchen. it's such a cool place that creates an environment with absolutely no distractions from the experience & those you are with. my dream is to go back & actually stay the night one day.