the last little while i have been feeling off. just not 100% motivated. not motivated to clean, to cook, to venture out of the apartment into the cold, not motivated to draw, to blog. i've written, re-written, edited, & have left this post sitting in my drafts for a few days now. being open about my feelings is a really difficult thing for me, but i'm digging deep & i'm trying. i've felt nervous about being open with these feelings to those around me & to write it down, but doing so has made me feel lighter, like i'm not hiding anything which is not something i want to be doing i try to keep my blog as real as i can & i feel like it's important to share the downs along with the ups. everyone has their moments when life is a little harder & i need to remind myself of that & remind myself that it is not a weakness to show vulnerability.
lately i've have a few mood swings (it's a monthly thing if you know what i mean), i'm not depressed, i just seem to get a little sad & can't help but focus on it. i'm lucky that it doesn't last very long, but sometimes it feels like it lasts forever & that's how i've felt the last few days. most of the days i am so pumped! so happy! & then my mood just switches completely to feeling down on myself. since moving to a new country i've noticed myself slowly becoming less confident because i'm not able to fully communicate with the people here. i know that learning a new language takes a lot of effort & time, but it has had a serious effect on me, especially when i'm feeling down on myself for other reasons. lately i've been constantly critiquing myself on the things that i do & the things that i don't do. i wonder if i'm being a good enough mom & a good enough wife, if i do enough for both austin & cedar... those sort of things. i've created a tiny monster that is stopping me from being the happy, carefree person that i normally am, it stops me from blogging, writing in my journal, creating.
i've hated the way i have been feeling, it's not a normal disposition for me. i'm not the girl to question myself on whether or not i'm good enough or that i dress good enough or have a good enough blog. i'm not the kind of person to worry about whether or not i need to be doing something because it seems like everybody else is. i'm the kind of girl that is pretty much happy just doing my thing & happy that other people are doing their thing. i don't normally crave acceptance from others, or approval, but this little monster inside of me has made me question myself & that's not something i'm ok with.
i'm trying to pull myself out of this funk, i am lucky to know that it is mostly hormonal, but i want to be able to deal with it on my own for the future, instead of just waiting for it to pass. i actively try to blow off any negative thoughts that i may have because those aren't going to make me happy & i have so much to be happy for & so much going on in my life. everyday i have been reminding myself of all the great things that are in life & it really has helped me. austin has been extremely helpful & understanding of how i've been feeling, constantly asking how i am doing & what we can do to try &help me get out of this phase. austin & i have come up with more of a detailed plan to help me learn spanish so that i can feel comfortable when i try to talk to people & i can be confident in that department, i've been pushing myself to get out of the door & to go to different activities. i have different errands that i spread throughout the week to keep my busy, i have actively tried to open myself up more to the people around me & it's hard! i have felt exhausted at the end of the day from putting myself out there, but it's paid off, i have met new people & i've made some more friends, which is huge! i'm pushing myself to go out of my comfort zone, pushing myself to keep creating & drawing because i know that it's the best way to gain inspiration. i have been trying to be more active, going on daily walks with cedar around the park & our neighborhood. i've cleaned my home everyday knowing that a clean environment helps me to feel more at ease. i've been trying to take some time in every day just for me, to focus on myself, even if it's just for 5 or 10 minutes, to check in with myself.
when i saw the quote above on pinterest it sort of struck me, i had been feeling like i am a complete mess, & when i read that i automatically agreed with it. i may be a mess, but i am being brave, i just have to remind myself every once in a while. it's brave to accept how i am feeling, for talking about it, for trying to push through it. it's brave to go out on a limb & to push out of your comfort zone.
what do you do when you have moments in your life like this? what helps to snap you out of a funk? how do you go out of your comfort zone?