today marks 15 years since my dad passed away & tomorrow marks his 58th birthday. i really cannot believe that it has been so long, i've now lived the majority of my life without him here. i still remember it like it was just the other day. i'm not good at being vulnerable & writing really personal things on here, but with this coming around i couldn't help but think about my dad, a lot. about the times i was able to share with him, & the times that i didn't get to share. & i just kept thinking, what would i say if i could talk to him? so here it is. a letter to my dad.
well, i guess a lot has changed. some good, some not so good. but that's the way life goes, right? i just want you to know that i'm good. i am happy, really happy. i'm married to my best friend. austin. you would really like him. he's smart, really smart, but fun too. he makes me laugh every single day. he has a really funny sense of humor once you get to know him. he sort of just says whatever is on his mind, it reminds me a little bit of you from what i can remember & hear... he really loves me. he treats me like i'm the most important thing & i love him so much. i can't handle the thought of not being with him...oh! & he really likes the grateful dead, so you would like him!
we have a baby! he's really cute, you would definitely like him. his name is cedar. anyone that knows you were in the lumber business thinks we named him after a tree because of you, but we really just named him after a dirt bag rock climber that we both admire... anyways. he's got red hair & bright blue eyes & the best personality. i never could have imagined loving something so much so quickly. my favorite thing is to see him & austin together, he is amazing with him. it's crazy to think i'm a mom sometimes. kind of scary, too. after he was born one of the things i thought the most was how he had just been with you, it gave me a lot of comfort to think that he was with you before he came to us. sometimes i imagine you rocking him in your chair like you used to do to me. i loved when you would do that & sing willie nelson songs to me.
i graduated from college! took me 7 years, but i did it. i got a degree in integrated studies, emphasizing in art history & humanities. i kind of want to become a humanities professor. most people laugh when i tell them..but it's just a thought. i know if i really wanted to, i could do it. i just have to decide... austin graduated too! & we're moving to madrid for him to get his mba. pretty crazy, huh? sometimes i can't believe this is real life.
some days it's really hard to think how much has happened without you there. i miss you so much & it's difficult to explain. some days it doesn't feel real, that you were ever here with me. i feel horrible about it too, but i can't seem to help it. the pain of you being gone doesn't bother me anymore, but it didn't go away, i've just gotten used to it. peopled don't always get it. it's not something that stops, but something that becomes a part of you. i think you would understand. i just miss you is all.
i think you would be proud of us kids & especially of mom. she has been our rock & taught so much about generosity & gratitude. she is the strongest woman i know & such a good person. i can only wish to be anything of the person she is. i truly have the most amazing parents.
i really just wanted to tell you, i'm really happy. there isn't a day that goes by where i'm not reminded of you in some way. i think you would be proud of me & who i have grown to be, at least i hope you would be! thank you for all that you taught me in our time together. i miss you &
i love you.