REAL TALK \\ a journal entry

sometimes it's easier for me to express myself with physical pen & paper. does that ever happen to you? i've been wanting to write about my thoughts & feelings about our upcoming move, but haven't been able to write what i wanted to say. i hit a road block. but the other night i was looking through my journal after writing some quotes down & found one i wrote not too long ago & thought i'd share it.
images: pinterest // tumblr

i've wanted to live in europe since i was 11. anywhere in europe, i would take it.
one of the first times austin & i hung out he told me he would love to live in spain, i thought about it for a nanosecond & told him i could be happy living there too. that was the night i also told him he had to marry me. i guess i was feeling really brave that night.

2.5 years later & we are moving to madrid, spain. our far off dream is now our upcoming reality.
i know it is going to be difficult & in all honesty, it scares me. i know i am in no way prepared for the isolation i am going to feel, but i also know that it is going to be one of the best years of our life.

the two questions people ask me the most: "are you ready?" & "are you excited?" no, i am not ready & i really don't think i ever could be. & i have so many emotions about our upcoming move. i am beyond excited, but i am slightly terrified, sometimes i'm really sad about it, as crazy as it sounds, & i'm still shocked that it is actually happening.

yes i want an adventure, crave an adventure. i always have. but this is not the typical adventure, it isn't like anything i have done before. i have never uprooted to a completely foreign place. i have never had to leave the things in which i find comfort in. i have never left everything familiar to me.

some days i want to cry at the thought of leaving, others i cannot get over the excitement to actually be there & live our life there. & i cannot help but look at all that we are leaving behind & sacrificing to have our dream, to live our adventure.

it's a complete tug-of-war on my emotions. i know that when we come back that we won't be coming back to the same place. the likelihood of us coming back to utah is extremely slim, & i know that life in general won't be the same when we're back. & that's ok, because that's life.

but to know i will never be in this moment, this place, makes me sad. i love where we are. i love all the time austin & i have to be together, to do whatever it is we want. i adore this stage of cedars life. he is so incredibly cute, happy & fun to spend our days with. we're never going to be here again & it breaks my heart.

i am in love with right now.

but as our departure creeps up on us i cannot wait to experience it.

as much as my heart breaks it is rebuilt with the thought of what lies ahead. i am eager to be removed, to have an opportunity just to be us. there is something slightly refreshing about the thought of being in an unknown place where you are also unknown. it's a brand new start to a brand new story.


  1. I would definitely feel the same way. When my parents moved to New Zealand for five years, I remember one of their last nights at home talking to my Dad about why he would leave everything he knows behind for a new job in a new country, and he quoted Robert Frosts' The Road Less Traveled - and that has always stuck with me. I think you are going to have the best time of your life, and how lucky to share it with your little family too!

  2. This was so beautifully put. I know you guys will have the adventure of a lifetime! Everything will fall into place! I just can't wait to see what comes from it :)
    xo TJ

  3. awww well i am also all torn up about your move!! haha but seriously. it is going to be INCREDIBLE but we are going to miss you guys!!! and i can't wait for the day that we hopefully all live close to each other again :)

  4. it will be a fantastic of growth, excitement, and something you will always look back on and relive throughout your life!!!

  5. this was beautifully written, & i must say it, (because we are all thinking it) i am SO JEALOUS! what an adventure! i 100% understand the two sided nature of this change, though. change is hard no matter what - especially when you're moving to a new culture and new continent! it will be such a good time to strengthen your family unit and really solidify your connection to each other - learning to completely rely on each other is such a beautiful thing! it will be the experience of a lifetime, and i can't wait to see the snippets you share on this blog :) good luck! xoxo