1/24/15

YOU ARE BRAVE


the last little while i have been feeling off. just not 100% motivated. not motivated to clean, to cook, to venture out of the apartment into the cold, not motivated to draw, to blog. i've written, re-written, edited, & have left this post sitting in my drafts for a few days now. being open about my feelings is a really difficult thing for me, but i'm digging deep & i'm trying. i've felt nervous about being open with these feelings to those around me & to write it down, but doing so has made me feel lighter, like i'm not hiding anything which is not something i want to be doing i try to keep my blog as real as i can & i feel like it's important to share the downs along with the ups. everyone has their moments when life is a little harder & i need to remind myself of that & remind myself that it is not a weakness to show vulnerability. 

lately i've have a few mood swings (it's a monthly thing if you know what i mean), i'm not depressed, i just seem to get a little sad & can't help but focus on it. i'm lucky that it doesn't last very long, but sometimes it feels like it lasts forever & that's how i've felt the last few days. most of the days i am so pumped! so happy! & then my mood just switches completely to feeling down on myself. since moving to a new country i've noticed myself slowly becoming less confident because i'm not able to fully communicate with the people here. i know that learning a new language takes a lot of effort & time, but it has had a serious effect on me, especially when i'm feeling down on myself for other reasons. lately i've been constantly critiquing myself on the things that i do & the things that i don't do. i wonder if i'm being a good enough mom & a good enough wife, if i do enough for both austin & cedar... those sort of things. i've created a tiny monster that is stopping me from being the happy, carefree person that i normally am, it stops me from blogging, writing in my journal, creating.

i've hated the way i have been feeling, it's not a normal disposition for me. i'm not the girl to question myself on whether or not i'm good enough or that i dress good enough or have a good enough blog. i'm not the kind of person to worry about whether or not i need to be doing something because it seems like everybody else is. i'm the kind of girl that is pretty much happy just doing my thing & happy that other people are doing their thing. i don't normally crave acceptance from others, or approval, but this little monster inside of me has made me question myself & that's not something i'm ok with.

i'm trying to pull myself out of this funk, i am lucky to know that it is mostly hormonal, but i want to be able to deal with it on my own for the future, instead of just waiting for it to pass. i actively try to blow off any negative thoughts that i may have because those aren't going to make me happy & i have so much to be happy for & so much going on in my life. everyday i have been reminding myself of all the great things that are in life & it really has helped me. austin has been extremely helpful & understanding of how i've been feeling, constantly asking how i am doing & what we can do to try &help me get out of this phase. austin & i have come up with more of a detailed plan to help me learn spanish so that i can feel comfortable when i try to talk to people & i can be confident in that department, i've been pushing myself to get out of the door & to go to different activities. i have different errands that i spread throughout the week to keep my busy, i have actively tried to open myself up more to the people around me & it's hard! i have felt exhausted at the end of the day from putting myself out there, but it's paid off, i have met new people & i've made some more friends, which is huge! i'm pushing myself to go out of my comfort zone, pushing myself to keep creating & drawing because i know that it's the best way to gain inspiration. i have been trying to be more active, going on daily walks with cedar around the park & our neighborhood. i've cleaned my home everyday knowing that a clean environment helps me to feel more at ease. i've been trying to take some time in every day just for me, to focus on myself, even if it's just for 5 or 10 minutes, to check in with myself. 

when i saw the quote above on pinterest it sort of struck me, i had been feeling like i am a complete mess, & when i read that i automatically agreed with it. i may be a mess, but i am being brave, i just have to remind myself every once in a while. it's brave to accept how i am feeling, for talking about it, for trying to push through it. it's brave to go out on a limb & to push out of your comfort zone.

what do you do when you have moments in your life like this? what helps to snap you out of a funk? how do you go out of your comfort zone? 

10 comments :

  1. I hate to admit the amount of times I have felt this way. All I want to do is stay in my pjs and be lazy all day everyday. What I found really helped me was to look for people in my life that may be going through a rougher time than me and helping them out. If I let myself get stuck with my bad thoughts and feelings, it just gets worse. Hopefully you will be able to get out of this little rough patch. It's not fun, but you will be stronger for what you've gone through :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you for your sweet comment & it's hard to admit when you're feeling down! but it's good to let it all out :)

      Delete
  2. love this! i felt like this about a month ago and was really upset that my usually positive mood was becoming lazier and moodier. mine was all hormonal as well, i know exactly what started it, but it was still hard to deal with! you go girl! take it one step at a time :)

    xo, k

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ah, isn't it the worst?! hormones are the WORST! thanks for your encouragement, i'm glad i'm not the only one with crazy hormones!

      Delete
  3. kerry i know i have told you this before - but i feel especially connected to you & your writing, more so than a lot of other people on the internet. i just think you are especially cool and down to earth, and i really connected with this post. i have struggled with feeling down more than usual over the past year - and it's SO discouraging, especially when i've always been able to make the best of a bad situation. it just felt (and sometimes, still does feel) like i can't pick myself back up all the way when i get shot down. a few things that have help me overcome the funk: 1. praying for exactly what i need - to feel happy, to make it through the day, to have my confidence boosted. 2. exactly what you have done - immersing myself in my life and making the most of my situation. and 3. taking time each day to realize all of my blessings. i'm sure people tell you all the time how envious they are of your life (because let's be honest, who isn't.) but we have reason to be! feeling lucky for my own life helps me flip my entire perspective. anyway, i am by NO MEANS good at this yet, but i really appreciate you sharing. you really do rock at life, & i am glad you decided to open up & be vulnerable. you are an incredible human. xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. kayla, you are constantly leaving me the sweetest comments & serious mood boosts, so thank you for that! i'm so happy that you can feel so connected to me, because i seriously feel the same way! haha your advice is on point 100% i need to remind myself of all my blessings because like your said, it totally changes a perspective for sure. you are the best, i loved reading this

      Delete
  4. we all have days of discouragement...loneliness....just being down...i do...i miss my kids (you and the others)....my old life...but, i find that we need to stay busy....helping others is a fantastic way to do this...find someone to do a service for...learn something new....teach cedar something new...it's hard for you right now, you're in a country that's different ,where you don't speak the language...but, enjoy ever second, because it will be over and a memory.....so live the differences...make the most of your time over there....you just have to focus on life....smile and know that so many people love you!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks mom, i love hearing your advice. & i know you are right about all of them! i'm doing my best to make the most of everything, & i am loving it all, even when i'm being mopey :)

      Delete
  5. I find that making the effort to connect with God (prayers, meditation, scriptures, whatever) and with other people help me a lot, and talking about my feelings, which you are! Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thank you so much for posting this! I've felt the exact same way lately. Moving to a foreign country is HARD. Most days I do just stay inside our apartment because it's my comfort zone. The people here speak English, but a very creolized version of it and with thick accents. I was recently called as a seminary teacher, and it is rough teaching a bunch of teenage boys who don't always understand me, and I only understand them half the time. Also, can we talk about grocery shopping in foreign countries for a sec? Not even the same, am I right?? I'm grateful that I have this opportunity to learn new things and experience other cultures and see beautiful places, but man, nothing like moving away to make you appreciate living in the US of A. As far as happiness goes, I also have noticed that keeping things clean and getting out of the house often helps me a lot. I recently starting going on short jogs in the morning, and that has made a huge difference. My "creative zone" is in writing, but I've been drawing a blank on that lately. Maybe it's like you with drawing--maybe if I just do it the creativity will flow? Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone, and I love being able to read about your adventures! Europe is my absolute favorite. You lucky girl! When you find some ways to pull yourself from the funk, let us know! I too would appreciate any advice on this topic :)

    ReplyDelete