the last five weeks have been crazy emotional on all levels.

austin & i had been talking about when to have another baby for a couple of months & 5 weeks, january 14, ago we found out i was pregnant. i was shocked & excited, like really shocked. i didn't think that it would happen as quickly as it did, it almost made it hard for me to believe it was real, but it was! 

before finding out i was pregnant i had planned to take the kids to disneyland & since all the rides i can take both the kids on are pregnant-friendly, we still went. while we were there i noticed that i was having some bleeding. it wasn't heavy, i thought it was probably from implantation but i decided to go home a little earlier than planned so that i could take the rest of the day easy. the next day, tuesday, the bleeding hadn't let up & i decided to go to urgent care to get things checked out & from there i started a 5 week emotional rollercoaster.

**side note: with the way that our insurance works, i had to meet with a separate person before being able to meet with my obgyn for my first initial pregnancy appointment. i called them first before going to urgent care & she said she couldn't get me in for another week. in the meantime i went to urgent care.**

at the urgent care they told me that they thought i was having a miscarriage but that they were going to draw my blood to see if my levels were going up at all. two days later, thursday,  i went back in & was told that they still believed it was a miscarriage but that my levels did go up, so they were going to draw blood again. they did this two more times before making an ultrasound appointment for me on monday. 

i was really excited to go to the ultrasound because i thought that i would get a definite answer, but when i was there the technician told me that they weren't allowed to discuss what they can see on the machine. so i left with no answers. luckily, i was going to meet the woman to make my appointment with my actual obgyn which was set for two weeks away when i would be 8 weeks along. between then i kept going to the urgent care to get my blood drawn but i felt like they weren't doing a lot besides taking my blood & saying i was miscarrying. i knew something obviously was not right because i was still bleeding, but i felt like there was more going on than that the urgent care obgyn was telling me.

after a couple more meetings at urgent care i decided to call my doctors office & see if under the circumstances i could come in earlier & thankfully i could. i cannot tell you the amount of comfort it gave me to see my actual obgyn. he is such an amazing doctor & doesn't take anything lightly like i felt the doctor at urgent care did. I was able to get in to seem him the wednesday after my first ultra sound. austin had gone out of town for work so i went by myself which i didn't think would be a big deal, but after i wished so badly that he could have been there with me. 

my doctor gave me another ultra sound & asked me multiple times if i was having pain on the left side, i told him no & he said hmm, he seemed interested in the fact that i wasn't in tremendous pain, or any pain really & after a couple minutes of checking everything out told me to meet him in his office. immediately my brain went to the worst & i started thinking he was going to tell me i had cancer or something. why else would i be in pain or he think i should be in a pain? it was the only logical answer to me. i went in to his office & he showed me the ultra sound & told me he believed i was having an ectopic pregnancy. & that is where i tuned out. he asked me again if i was in pain & i said no & he kind of seemed like he was in disbelief. he told me that normally ectopic pregnancies are really painful & that he did think it was interesting that my hcg levels were going up so much. he scheduled me for another appointment to see if my numbers were going up & see if he could see more in another ultrasound. 

after the appointment i called austin crying on the phone, telling him that they think it is an ectopic pregnancy. it was really hard to tell him & luckily he was able to come home early so that he could make it to my next appointment on friday. 

i went home & googled ectopic pregnancies & read up on everything about it, at least enough that my brain could handle at my emotional state. i learned that ectopic & tubal are often thought of as the same but you can have an ectopic pregnancy without it being tubal. you can have a pregnancy that isn't in the uterus which is incredibly dangerous for the mother & because it isn't in the uterus, it is ectopic. tubal pregnancy are in the fallopian tube & are very dangerous cause it can cause your tube to burst & destroy your tube which makes it difficult in the future to get pregnant. since a tubal pregnancy isn't in your uterus it is also an ectopic pregnancy. 

after reading all about it, i honestly did not feel better about the situation but i tried to remain as calm as i could until i heard what the doctor said at my next appointment. 

when austin & i got to the next appointment the doctor talked to us before doing another ultrasound. he told us that after looking more at the ultrasound & my hcg numbers going up so much that he believed it was actually a tubal pregnancy. as soon as he said that my eyes flooded with tears. i couldn't help it. especially after all that i had read about tubal pregnancies. he told us that we are young & will be able to have more children in our future one way or another, whether it would be natural or through ivf. he also said that if we wanted he could administer a shot that would force my body to end the pregnancy instead of surgery which is how many tubal pregnancies are taken care of. he said that there was a viable baby from what he could see, but that it was hard to tell because of how early i was.

all of it was so intense, my emotions were at an all time high & i was so happy to have austin there. my doctor was being really kind too, he was trying to be so reassuring & comforting since i was clearly distraught, but it wasn't really working. after meeting with him we went in for another ultra sound & there he told me: "your pregnancy might be ok. what we thought was a tube actually may have been a vein." you cannot imagine how it made me feel. i broke down. i had just been told that i might lose my tube, that i might need to go through ivf & now my baby may be ok. i was all over the emotional map at this point. he told me that since i was in so early that it can change a lot in a couple of days, so  i needed to schedule to come back & we would see where the baby was at then. take in mind, i am still bleeding at this time.

austin & i went home so confused, lost & slightly hopeful. i tried really hard not to get my hopes up, i didn't want to start believing that i was going to have a healthy baby just to be told again that i wasn't. i don't think i did a good job at that though. 

next monday when we went in for the ultrasound is when we learned that what i was actually experiencing was a blighted ovum. he showed us on the ultrasound how the sac was growing how it was supposed to be, but the baby was not. he said that he wanted to give my body a week to see if i would naturally reject the pregnancy & if not we would schedule for a d&c. 

i was really hopeful that my body would miscarry on its own, but here i am, one week post d & c. i went in to the doctor last monday & had another ultra sound showing us that the sac has grown but the embryo has not. it's the same size as it was the last week we measured it. we made an appointment to have a d&c for tuesday afternoon. honestly, after everything that has happened & not having answers for so long, it was a relief to be given a solid answer & know that i would need a d&c. on top of having an answer, it was a huge relief to know that i was not having an ectopic or tubal pregnancy. knowing that gave me reassurance that i will be able to get pregnant in the future, that i didn't have to worry about my tube bursting & that for the most part, i wasn't at risk.

this pregnancy is nothing we could have planned for. having already had a miscarriage (you can read about my last miscarriage here)  couldn't have prepared me because this entire trial was so different on so many levels. trying to get pregnant & then getting pregnant is such a vulnerable thing. it can be so scary, even in the healthiest of pregnancies it can be scary because your body is going through such a change, you don't ever really know what is going on. after going through this for what felt like, forever, definitely makes me nervous for the future & trying to get pregnant again. after going through two miscarriages i have a fear that a third baby won't happen, but i know that i do need to remain positive. the hardest part often times is getting pregnant & i already have two healthy little boys, so  i know that my body is able & i am so thankful that i know that. 


  1. I am so sorry, I can't imagine how difficult that would be. You are one strong lady. lil guy #3 will happen for you guys <3

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